In case you didn’t realize, I have a side-job in Italy working at a pole dance studio here in Milano. (A girl’s gotta support her pole habit!)

Anyway, I just experienced the most incredibly awkward phone conversation of my entire life… I’m still reeling. And laughing hysterically. And cringing…

A man was coming in for a private lesson this weekend and had an important question. He wanted to know what types of g-strings he should wear for his lesson. Only he didn’t know the English word for g-string…

…wait, it gets more awkward…

I had to guess what he was he was trying to ask me, but all I knew was that we were trying to discuss men’s undergarments. W. T. F. I started guessing with jockstrap, then guessed cup, but none of those were the correct answer. I was really struggling- what else do men wear down there??

He finally told me he was a professional stripper, and then I got the idea. I politely informed him that the Englsih word is g-string or thong.

…oh yes, it gets even more awkward than that…

I had NO IDEA what to tell him what g-strong to wear, or if that is even allowed in my studio. Normally students only wear athletic clothing, similar to what you’d wear doing Bikram yoga. And normally every student is female! Banana hammocks also seem seriously unhygienic in a pole studio focused on fitness.

After this extreme awkwardness, we ended up deciding he would wear shorts and bring his g-strings along just in case. But they’d be his nicest g-strings.

Just another day in the pole dance studio!

Creepiest thing I've ever seen

Background: I absolutely hate mimes. They are so creepy, so weird and totally pointless (to me). I just can’t stand them.

Today, I realized my worst nightmare has come true. I AM A MIME!!!

Learning Italian has been a very slow process. Before I moved to Italy, my 16-hour workday really didn’t allow for much language study time. I didn’t really worry about it though. I figured I would learn Italian through living here, and envisioned myself casually ordering a caffè with friends in a cute Italian bar …

WRONG.

I can “kind of” order a caffè here, but I speak in a constant stutter, in an awful accent, and take about 5 minutes to process how much the caffè costs and how much Euro money to hand over. Things definitely aren’t as smooth as I hoped. I’m making an effort to learn a few words each day, but Italian grammar is killing me. Also, my 16-hour workday has been replaced with a 16-hour schoolday. It’s hard to get motivated.

Anyway, the point of this story is that I realized I am an American mime trying to make her way in Italy. Awful! I recently had an ear infection and had to find some medicine at the local farmacia. I don’t even know what the word for ear is in Italian, but luckily my friend told me the Italian name of my malady. I wrote down my symptom, walked over to the farmacia and handed my note over to the farmacist (Italian spelling). After reading my note (awkward), the farmacist just stared at me… and I started to panic, like I do in every Italian-language conversation. In my panic, I started to MIME my problem and tried to MIME a solution… basically requesting medicine through mimery. (Really though… after reading “ear infection”, what did the farmacist think I was there for??)

Eventually I got my medicina and everything was fine, except for the earth-shattering realization that I have become my own worst nightmare. This is all the more motivation to become fluent in Italian- no more miming allowed!

A whole nut of Gauses

Gauses are nuts! Nuts about Gauses!